Nothing-ness

Originally published on May 18, 2009 on trulysu.blogspot.in

 

I don’t know what to say.

I am at complete loss of words. There’s so much that I want to say, I need to say, but I don’t know a serene way to say it. The turbulence inside me feels as though it might engulf me into nothing-ness. My insides are at war. I don’t want to see. I don’t want to hear. I don’t want to read. I don’t want to feel. I don’t want to think. I don’t want to dream. Maybe nothing-ness is the best.

With each passing day, i think my wall is getting higher and higher. Yes, it has gotten higher since the last time I checked. I should probably adorn the wall with a creeper of thorns.

I want to go. I want to go away, and take my wall along. I want to take a boat and sail into the horizon. Maybe sail past the horizon. I want to sit on the rocks and watch the fish, laughing & smiling and always moving together. But I must be careful not to look at the coast, because the fisherman is taking them away. Where is he taking them? Should I help the fish? Maybe not. Last time I tried to help, I got bit by a shark. I think I should move on. Must continue my pursuit. Forget about the fish. I need to save myself from the fisherman. Wait, what is happening? There’s water on the floor of my boat. I feel the ocean taking me in………. My boat is sinking. It has become too heavy with the weight of my conscience. Maybe this is good. The ocean will wipe out everything………. I can start afresh!

I dont remember anything. Why dont I remember anything?! Maybe the memory is too painful. It pricks. It’s picking me. Wait, something is pricking me! The creeper of thorns on the wall is pricking me! But I dont remember building a wall…… Why did I build the wall? Did I build it in the first place? Now I cannot get out of it. I move an inch and the thorns prick me. Ouch! Stop pricking me! It’s pricking my heart….Oh my god, the thorn has pierced my heart….I can see blood…..I cannot even move my hand to remove the thorn from my heart……Somebody help me!!!! I can feel something oozing out along with my blood….. Somebody help me!!!! WHY WONT ANYBODY HELP ME???!!!! PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!! I try to look down, and I see my life oozing out along with my blood. I can feel…….

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