Originally published on Jan 12, 2010 on trulysu.blogspot.in
There was a time when I couldn’t wait to grow up, which at that time meant- start working in a really cool Company, shop with my own money, lalala and basically, ‘Get a Life’! But TODAY……..it feels like age has caught up on me unaware. I mean, ya sure I was aware of my increasing age, thanks to my Birthday parties! And until my 18th, it seemed like I was on the right track. But my 19th!!!! Sheesh!!! The panic attacks that I suffered! :O
A month before 25th December 2009, I felt a sudden rush of emotions, particularly fear. Not just fear, but also anxiety, craziness, weakness & similar emotions, yet they were unknown. I couldn’t point at exactly what was the root cause of this state that I was in & that’s what made it worse. Then I came up with a hundred reasons for the same! I almost went into depression….Heck, I did go into depression!!
The eve of 25th December 2009. I remember being absolutely pissed off. I DIDN’T WANT A PARTY!! WHY didn’t my parents get that!!! I didn’t have a b’day dress. The State was in the middle of a bandh. The attention I was entitled to on MY day, was being shared by something I once loved. My extended Family was arriving on my b’day (and trust me, they’re crazy!) So all in all, I was dreading the D-day! (And then in a moment of craziness, I switched off my phone. Figured that the people who wanted to reach me, would find a way to….)
D-day!! So phone’s been off for about 16 hours now. Been sound asleep for about 6 hours now. And then I wake up & the month- old anxiety hits me in my gut, and it hit hard! Shit…..I was a year older now. Finally I entered the world of 20s! Wow. So the rest of the day was pretty miserable. Had a strange craving for alcohol for some weird reason. Anyway, so the day’s finally over. Thank God!
After D-day. The day after my Birthday was just as bad. The realization of growing a year older was driving me nuts. And then it dawned upon me…..
If I was growing older, so was everything around me. If I was going to enter the ‘real world’, so were my classmates & everyone else. If I was going to live……..I might as well enjoy it! Maybe I had been looking at it the wrong way all this time. It really wasn’t so much about growing old, it was more about ‘growing up’. Ironic, isn’t it. 1 second you & your siblings are playing on the merry-go-round. And the next, you’re waving good- bye at the International Airplane that just took off with your sister in it. Or maybe 1 second you, your siblings & friends are playing ‘house’ in the balcony, and the next second, you’re dressing up your sister on her Wedding day……There’s an odd sense of satisfaction when you hold your Sister’s baby in your arms…….
All I wanted was to hold on to everything that I knew so well….just that, my grasp wasn’t strong enough. I wanted to enter the ‘real world’ holding the hand of the past. Only when growing up will you realize that unless you let go of old stuff, there’s no room for the new…..If I was going to transform into a Butterfly, I would first have to come out of my cocoon.