Is Sapiosexuality really a thing?

Sapiosexual. The first time I heard this word was when a friend and I were talking about our preferences and she said to me “so you’re a sapiosexual.” Sapiosexual. It’s an interesting word. As preparation for this blog post, I took a few ‘Tests’ that indicate if you’re indeed sapiosexual. In fact, these were the very first materials that I touched to learn about this topic. In one test I got “Yes, you are sapiosexual!”, in another I got “You’re attracted to intelligence but also physical features.” But again, these are unscientific, fun tests so I guess it’s up to me to define my preferences.

What I gathered from the questions asked in these tests was that Sapiosexual is attraction wholly and solely to intelligence. Especially questions like “Is your idea of foreplay a heavy, mentally stimulating discussion?” gave a more specific, maybe niche image of sapiosexuality. I answered NO to that question BTW (Just saying ;D).

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So what does sapiosexuality translate to in the real world for me?

Over the years I’ve had many crushes. Now when I look back, obviously I’ve grown so my preferences have changed accordingly. When I was a young teenager who had just started to understand attraction, I was attracted to physical attributes and charisma. I was specifically attracted to sportsmen and that means a certain kind of physique. I chose my first boyfriend for all the wrong reasons based on these and obviously it didn’t last long. As I grew, my attractions evolved. I think the attraction to physical attributes and charisma remained, but what got added was display of smartness. Notice that I wrote “display of smartness” instead of just smartness. I now realize that I was attracted to bold extroverts – the ones who could easily stand in front of a crowd and speak sense and lead. Yes I knew many introverts who were smart but I didn’t feel any attraction to them. Again, I think this is also a manifestation of charisma. But this became more important than physical attributes – to the point where looks didn’t matter. During this time another attribute of attraction started to tug at me – Humor. It’s the only thing that gets me all girly!      

Then there came a time when I was attracted to the geek of the class. If a boy could hold their ground and speak in a technical language that I understood nothing about – I was sold. But these kind of crushes were just crushes. 

As I started working, intelligence quickly climbed to share the top position with, what I call, the style of a guy. Or should I call it swag? I don’t know what to call it, but what I mean is the way a man carries himself – his walk, his manner of speaking, smile, grooming, dressing, etc. Yeah obviously the good looking guy would get a second look but the guy who displayed smartness was far more attractive. But if that guy didn’t have the ‘style’ that appeals to me, it wouldn’t transform into a crush even. On the other hand, if I’ve been crushing on a guy based on other factors, and after a couple of conversations it just doesn’t seem like I can have a conversation about topics I care about, I instantly lose interest.

Let’s spend two minutes on that statement. I wrote “..have a conversation about topics I care about…” Everybody has things they are passionate about and can engage in conversations around it. Some people have only one thing they’re passionate about, while some other people have multiple things they’re passionate about. Some people care about macro-economics, some people don’t. That doesn’t mean one is ‘smarter’ than the other. That just means people have different interests. So when I say “…it just doesn’t seem like I can have a conversation about topics I care about, I instantly lose interest”, what I mean is we have to have some common interests that we can talk about passionately. For instance, if the guy is a huge EDM fan and talks elaborately about Tomorrowland, about how it’s like a big party, and girls, and bla bla bla, my brain will shut down in two seconds. It’s not my interest area and if that’s the only thing he can talk about so passionately, I’ll lose interest. Having said that, I’m not totally averse to indulging in conversations around these topics. If the guy can talk about other things about Tomorrowland, like the travel experiences around it, or what kind of safety precautions might be in place, I’m definitely interested. So what I’m trying to say is, it’s not about intelligence; it’s about matching wavelengths. On that point, here’s a fitting paragraph I found in an article about sapiosexuality –

“And finally, what the hell is “intelligence” anyway? There are a million different ways to be smart  — are we talking IQ? Street smarts? Excellent reading comprehension? Clever wordplay? Mechanical or technological talents? Military acumen? Someone who considers themselves too good for emojis and says “I’m sorry” when you say you’re going to see a dumb romantic comedy?” – xojane.com 

So now if I ask myself if I’m sapiosexual, I’d say I don’t care. And based on what I’ve read so far, I think 100% sapiosexuality is closer to the definition of fetish or an illusion. Do physical attributes matter to people? – Yes. Do personality characteristics matter to people? – Yes. Does intelligence matter to people? – Yes. Which one of these is a make or break factor? – Depends on you.


This post is a part of a series of posts in collaboration with Spiritualbot. Check out the 1st post written by her – Me the Sapiosexual. 

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